Martha Stewarts etiquette for Rednecks...

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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
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DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the
vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
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PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
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DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
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THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
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WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
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DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession


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